So I am archiving all my writing from the past six years and found this little gem today. It first appeared in Missbehave Magazine, Issue #2 in 2006. I predicted the demise of streetwear via John Mayer. I think it was his bubblegum tongue.

WTF – John Mayer is a Hypebeast?

Um, does anyone else think it’s bizarre that John Mayer has a New Era coming out? And who gave him a blog on Honeyee? How does he know what Neighborhood is? And what the hell is Futura doing in his music video? Futura is on Vh1, people. Did anyone see this one coming? Yes, my friends. God did.

Hark now, Hypebeasts, the end is nigh. Cast off ye limited-edition Air Maxes, dispose of your silk screened bandanas, lock the doors and windows, and pray to Hiroshi Fujiwara, because it’s all about to end. John Mayer has joined your allover-print shrouded ranks. Yes, that’s right, he of the immoderately fluffy hair and tenderly formulaic love song is dying to be down. This is clearly delineated in Revelations as the 28th sign of the apocalypse. I mean, the man dated Jennifer Love Hewitt. He tours with Sheryl Crow. He wrote a song called “Your Body is a Wonderland.” His music is listened to in elevator and office cubicles ‘round the globe.

Fine, he’s actually surprisingly articulate in interviews, and he hates the Black Eyed Peas, so it’s not like he has no redeeming qualities, but really, Hello? It’s so over. Full-on jumped the shark. Not even the good forces of Bobby Hundreds and A-Ron the Don combined can save the scene now, kids. Pretty soon the Evanescence chick will have a Be@rbrick, Fall Out Boy will have an Air Force 1, and Lupe Fiasco will be taken seriously. May the Lord have mercy on your soles.

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