So I heard Jessica Simpson was dating Billy Corgan and then I heard she really wasn’t and then I heard they did but it didn’t work out and honestly I don’t really care about the veracity of any of these reports. What I’m concerned with it that amongst all the possible nineties studs, Zwan? Really? Look I love Siamese Dream as much as the next guy but there are at least three alt rockers I would have chosen over the Corgs. Cue list:

1. Stephen Malkmus
I’m a little biased here because Pavement is one of my favorite bands of all time but even I loathed feedback (as if) I would find Malkmus to be a stallion. The man who Spin magazine called “the perpetually smirking face of indie rock” writes lyrics like “You’re the kind of girl I like because you’re empty and I’m empty” and mocks other bands in song (like Stone Temple Pilots, and coincidentally, Smashing Pumpkins). Basically he’s rumpled and sexy and I want to sell his artist wife into sex slavery in the Ukraine so I can take her position in his life. In a non-psycho way.

2. Mike Patton
Not only did Faith No More rule, so do Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Fantomas, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and any of the other dozen or so musical endeavors Patton has been involved in over the past twenty-five or so years. He has that intense sex eye thing going on, and hi have you heard Lovage? If that album doesn’t make you hot, you’re either frigid or a eunuch. Also, he speaks fluent Italian. BONUS: he’s a huge Laker fan. (Marry me).

3. Kathleen Hanna
Despite a great mention on the L-word, Hanna is not actually gay (apologies to Ad-Rock). Still, nothing would boost Ms. Simpson’s faltering career like a fun same-sex scandal. True, Kim Deal might seem the obvious choice here and while she in no way lacks awesomeness, I find the thought of J. Simpson collaborating with Le Tigre rather intriguing. And imagine the possibilities for the Jessica Simpson footwear line with Hanna’s input. Plus I wanted an avenue to mention my own personal girl crush on Tobi Vail. Win-win.

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