man oh man. NO ONE LOVES BIRTHDAYS more than I DO. seriously, ask anyone!

why do I love birthdays so much, you may ask? i’ll give you a couple reasons:

#1> CAKE!

nothing like sitting down in front of a big sheet of sugar sweet goodness with your name written all over it. And CARVEL?! Well Carvel is made for birthdays. Those freaking geniuses turned ice cream into a cake & wrote your name on it! What’s not to like about Fudgie the Whale? And Cookie Puss? I mean c’mon… the beastie boys didn’t name a song after that cake ‘cos it sucked. I always preferred the traditional Carvel Ice Cream Cake. Something about those chocolate crunchies and that weird gel icing they wrote your name in that always just did it for me. mmmm Carvel (homer simpson voice)…

#2> BALLOONS!

Dude, don’t front balloons are fun. Nothing spells birthday like a shit ton of balloons. And even though you may consider yourself a tad too old for balloons, I assure you they are a sure fire hit even in your later years. Every party has some asshole who pulls one down & inhales the helium in it to talk in a squeaky voice. That’s timeless. Don’t believe me? Rent Parenthood. Everyone laughs at the Grandma who does it too. 

#3> THEME PARTIES

okay even though my Mom absolutely sucked at taking photos and cut the heads off important people in this one, you all know exactly what is going on here. I’m having a motherfucking pizza party! With a giant mouse! And i’m crawling through mouse holes, playing whack-a-mole and winning chinese finger puzzles … the works!  Theme parties are way cool. I’m just bummed that you’re not allowed to have your birthday at places like Chuck E. Cheese unless you actually have kids. Seriously, I’ve inquired… Gotta have kids. Oh and there’s no alcohol there either. How’d my parents handle that one I wonder.  Geeeez.

#4> FREE STUFF

umm hello?? FREE BIRTHDAY MEAL! fuck yes. I love that shit. And they sing to you too?!? Okay so maybe this isn’t for your run of the mill shy person, but fuck it dude, it’s your day! Let ‘em sing! And you knoooow at the good ol’ Olive Garden they clap too. There’s nothing like having people singing and clapping your name. I mean c’mon, it’s your day! Enjoy it. I have no shame though I tell everyone it’s my birthday. The cab driver, the dude in the deli, you never know.. i’ve been given lighters, packs of gum, free desserts, free drinks, well wishes you name it. They’re not gonna know unless you tell them and why not? IT’S YOUR DAY!

 

okay, okay.. so you’re all like right jen um, i’m old now.  

and by old you mean you’re 21 or 25 or 30 or… well older than that & you are just plain old what the hell are you doing reading this blog anyway? KIDDING! Getting old rules. You wanna know why?   ‘Cos you can always pull that age card rank on someone. Like “oh cute, you love 90’s hip hop, what you were like 6 when that song came out?” Or, “oh yeah, that’s a sweet Metallica And Justice For All t-shirt, i SAW them on that tour.”  And you’ll do it too. Admit it, no matter how old you are, there’s always someone younger you can flex your age superiority complex on and get a tiny little smug satisfaction out of doing so. Don’t say you never did it. Bullshit. We all do, ‘cos someone’s always been older than us to show us the way, and someone’s always been younger than us to do it to. It’s just the way it is..  Besides age ain’t nothing but a number.

With all that being said, allow me to invite you to my Birthday party, next Monday March 9th:

*flyer courtesy of the new girl.

Yes, yes i know i look like a big hypocrite here. My sweet 16? Bullshit right? I’ll be 32. But I’m not calling it this to hide anything. I’ve got no qualms with my age.  Besides I look damn good… wanna know my secret?

Alcohol & cigarettes. It’s true! I’m embalming myself to always look 27. You should try it. Totally works.

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